In the beginning…
In the spring of 1967, something happened!
Though I’ve spoken about it from time to time, I’ve never committed it to writing. Actually, I’ve made the attempt on several occasions, but after reading what was written it never felt like I was doing justice to the experience- so I trashed them! Here goes one more try!
A Saturday evening in May. Not unlike any other, except on this particular evening I had an uneasy feeling about things. Jerry Kramer and I were living in a house we rented up in Beverly Glen Canyon. Jerry had flown up to San Francisco for the weekend, leaving me alone in the house. Normally, I would be out at a party or at one of the clubs around West Hollywood. In 1967 you could go out every weekend and see one or more musical acts, now considered legendary performers. Life was good!
However, on this particular evening if you were to have asked me whether or not life was good, I don’t know how I would have answered.
Confronted with an unfamiliar anxiety, I was staying home rather than going out. Several weeks earlier a new friend at school had given me a copy of Hermann Hesse's Demien, which I promptly threw into the back of my car with no intention of reading. That evening as I sat on my bed with this uneasy feeling, my attention suddenly went to the book. I went downstairs to the carport and after rummaging through a pile of 'stuff', found it in the back of my car.
When I resumed my position on the bed I opened the book. No sooner had I begun to read the words, and I was drawn into the story in a way unlike I had ever experienced before. I say drawn, but looking back, it was more like being sucked into it, as if by some powerful and mysterious force. I was completely consumed! My mind got so absorbed into the characters and their drama, that I found myself identifying with every thought and emotion. It was as if I had become them, and was somehow living their lives within the story. As I continued, anxieties and fears began to arise from some primordial depth within me. Hesse's telling of this story was effecting me in somewhat the same way as the sympathetic strings of a Sitar...the twanging of the upper strings, were causing a reverberation in the strings lying beneath. The intensity slowly built until it reached a point where it was so unbearable I couldn’t remain in that position any longer.
I got up from the bed and went into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. I must have wanted to reassure myself that I wasn’t losing it. What I saw in the mirror only intensified my fear. I was staring at my face as though it belonged to someone else. If not someone else’s face, then perhaps it was someone else looking at my face. I don’t think in that state, I could distinguish. It was not unlike coming on to acid. I could see in acute detail- every pore, line, and blood vessel on the surface of the skin. I was seeing everything with a heightened and penetrating awareness.
Keep in mind that I hadn't ingested anything. There were similar experiences the few times I'd taken psychedelics, where I would look at myself in the mirror and when this kind of thing would happen - when I’d start to come on like this - I'd assure myself that everything was okay. I'd tell myself that I’d just taken something, and this is what was expected. I was going to go through some new experiences, and after it had run its course, I would return to 'normal'. This time it was different. I hadn't taken anything- yet here I was, starting to peak! A great fear washed over me and I was overcome with the feeling that I was losing my mind. Getting no relief from the image in the mirror, I returned to my position on the bed and once again picked up the book for another go round.
Again, the resumption of my reading immediately threw me into a tumultuous whirlpool of emotions, as my mind raced on and on into the territory of the unknown. I was caught in a raging sea of debilitating thoughts and emotions, going faster and faster- spinning further and further out of control. Fear intensified, and my mind raced onward toward what must have seemed like destruction and oblivion.
Faster and faster my mind spun out of control! Further and further- deeper and deeper until it seemed I just couldn't take it any longer! And when my mind reached a crescendo and I was on the verge of screaming- everything just stopped.
I mean, EVERYTHING JUST STOPPED!
No thoughts, no activity, no mind, no me! Only pure Being...and ecstasy so exquisite and so intimate that to try and tie it down with a label almost seems sinful. I can't say for sure whether or not there was someone there to do the experiencing. In fact, I know there wasn’t in the normal sense. This is the state described by Patanjali as Nirvikalpa Samadhi, the state of total absorption without form. In this state the individual self does not exist.
I don't know how long this condition lasted, because it was a state beyond time. However, at some point I regained consciousness. That is, I became aware that I was having this experience. This is the state of Savikalpa Samadhi, the state of absorbtion in the Self in which one is enjoying the experience of Unity. Several years later when I met our Baba, he pointed out this awakening to me without my mentioning anything about it. It was this exchange that brought about an end to my seeking. I’ll save this portion of my story for another time.
So, on that May evening in 1967 everything changed for me. In a single moment of time lightening struck and I was never to be the same again. It was the same me, in the same body, in the same room in the same house. Everything was the same, yet everything was different.
And yet, everything was exactly as it should be. Everything was Perfect! Knowledge spontaneously flooded my mind. I say flooded, because it seemed to spontaneously flow from an endless spring within. And by Knowledge, I don’t mean facts. I'm describing the same experience as that revealed by all knowers of Truth. The mind in this state does not think, but rather acts as a conduit of Divine Recognition and Revelation. In this state one’s mind becomes absolutely still with perfect and profound clarity. Illumination is an appropriate term for this condition.
As I reveled in my good fortune, the impulse came upon me to share this experience with someone. I got into my car and drove up Sunset Boulevard toward Doheny Drive where my friend and former roommate Don Barenfeld had recently moved in with his girlfriend and future wife, Roberta. I remember driving along in a state of Divine intoxication, which was drawing the attention of people in cars along the way. I can still see images of the expressions on their faces as I drove by. Some wonderful and mysterious law of attraction was set loose, and all I could do was marvel at it.
When I got to Don’s apartment I rang the bell. The moment Don answered the door our eyes met and he immediately went into the same state I was experiencing. As if it was yesterday, I can vividly see his face radiating the same pure joy I was experiencing. We were both beaming as we went into the kitchen to sit at the small table flushed up against the wall.
As we explored this newly found treasure, Roberta and their friend Doug came into the kitchen from a back room. Both of them were immediately overcome with confusion and fear as they gazed upon what must have appeared to be two madmen engaged in some otherworldly lunacy that forbade them entry. Needing to further our exploration unhindered, and sensing that the small apartment held too many restrictions, we drove back to my place in Beverly Glen to spend the remainder of the night in communion and deep discussion. Within days, I left everything behind and made my way to the mountains of Central California. My life had now taken a new direction.
When I first decided to commit this experience to writing several years ago, I contacted Don to see if he could recall enough of his side of the story to write something down. In my phone conversation and follow up e-mail to him, I mentioned that in our Ashram everyday we used to sing a song in Sanskrit called “jyota se jyota jagao, satguru jyota se jyota jagao” which translates into, “Oh Satguru, please take the lamp of Knowledge that illumines your mind, and light my lamp which has remained in darkness for so long”.
The following is what Don so graciously added to the mix:
Ron,
It was really great making contact with you again. I've been thinking about it, and can't say too much more. Even with you prompting I doubt that I will recall what else transpired that night. However, I can tell you a smidgen that came back to me subsequent to that time.
I remained in an altered state for a couple of weeks. I explained the nature of the universe to anyone who would or would not listen. I remember standing in front of the Holloway cleaners on Santa Monica Boulevard with that look in my eye. I could see beyond who was in front of me, and into their real essence. However, the experience had me, I didn't have it, and so I was busy walking up to everyone I could corral and informing them that they were God! I don't think I was received so well, especially by my parents at the Friar's Club. I was at U.S.C. at the time and told a very esteemed, older psychology professor about what was happening with me. Wisely, she told me not to tell anyone else. She recognized that I would not be understood, and in fact, might be seen as slightly nuts (which I was a little). I don't know why we didn't go into it more, because like Richard Alpert who went to India to have someone explain the psychedelic experience, I was searching for the answer. I thought I might quit school and try to figure it out. I am glad that I didn't. Ok for some, not for me.
Anyway, I have dipped from time to time into that realm in various ways. I will communicate how some time when we talk, but for now, in terms of what followed directly from our time together, that's about it. I would say that that night did give me a certain, definite, knowing, and move me in a direction that continues today. When I do get back in touch from time to time, it is definitely that place of ‘no-thingness’ and timelessness. As I am fond of saying.... "Jyota se jyota jagao..." (just kidding)
I look forward to seeing you again.
Don
Though I’ve spoken about it from time to time, I’ve never committed it to writing. Actually, I’ve made the attempt on several occasions, but after reading what was written it never felt like I was doing justice to the experience- so I trashed them! Here goes one more try!
A Saturday evening in May. Not unlike any other, except on this particular evening I had an uneasy feeling about things. Jerry Kramer and I were living in a house we rented up in Beverly Glen Canyon. Jerry had flown up to San Francisco for the weekend, leaving me alone in the house. Normally, I would be out at a party or at one of the clubs around West Hollywood. In 1967 you could go out every weekend and see one or more musical acts, now considered legendary performers. Life was good!
However, on this particular evening if you were to have asked me whether or not life was good, I don’t know how I would have answered.
Confronted with an unfamiliar anxiety, I was staying home rather than going out. Several weeks earlier a new friend at school had given me a copy of Hermann Hesse's Demien, which I promptly threw into the back of my car with no intention of reading. That evening as I sat on my bed with this uneasy feeling, my attention suddenly went to the book. I went downstairs to the carport and after rummaging through a pile of 'stuff', found it in the back of my car.
When I resumed my position on the bed I opened the book. No sooner had I begun to read the words, and I was drawn into the story in a way unlike I had ever experienced before. I say drawn, but looking back, it was more like being sucked into it, as if by some powerful and mysterious force. I was completely consumed! My mind got so absorbed into the characters and their drama, that I found myself identifying with every thought and emotion. It was as if I had become them, and was somehow living their lives within the story. As I continued, anxieties and fears began to arise from some primordial depth within me. Hesse's telling of this story was effecting me in somewhat the same way as the sympathetic strings of a Sitar...the twanging of the upper strings, were causing a reverberation in the strings lying beneath. The intensity slowly built until it reached a point where it was so unbearable I couldn’t remain in that position any longer.
I got up from the bed and went into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. I must have wanted to reassure myself that I wasn’t losing it. What I saw in the mirror only intensified my fear. I was staring at my face as though it belonged to someone else. If not someone else’s face, then perhaps it was someone else looking at my face. I don’t think in that state, I could distinguish. It was not unlike coming on to acid. I could see in acute detail- every pore, line, and blood vessel on the surface of the skin. I was seeing everything with a heightened and penetrating awareness.
Keep in mind that I hadn't ingested anything. There were similar experiences the few times I'd taken psychedelics, where I would look at myself in the mirror and when this kind of thing would happen - when I’d start to come on like this - I'd assure myself that everything was okay. I'd tell myself that I’d just taken something, and this is what was expected. I was going to go through some new experiences, and after it had run its course, I would return to 'normal'. This time it was different. I hadn't taken anything- yet here I was, starting to peak! A great fear washed over me and I was overcome with the feeling that I was losing my mind. Getting no relief from the image in the mirror, I returned to my position on the bed and once again picked up the book for another go round.
Again, the resumption of my reading immediately threw me into a tumultuous whirlpool of emotions, as my mind raced on and on into the territory of the unknown. I was caught in a raging sea of debilitating thoughts and emotions, going faster and faster- spinning further and further out of control. Fear intensified, and my mind raced onward toward what must have seemed like destruction and oblivion.
Faster and faster my mind spun out of control! Further and further- deeper and deeper until it seemed I just couldn't take it any longer! And when my mind reached a crescendo and I was on the verge of screaming- everything just stopped.
I mean, EVERYTHING JUST STOPPED!
No thoughts, no activity, no mind, no me! Only pure Being...and ecstasy so exquisite and so intimate that to try and tie it down with a label almost seems sinful. I can't say for sure whether or not there was someone there to do the experiencing. In fact, I know there wasn’t in the normal sense. This is the state described by Patanjali as Nirvikalpa Samadhi, the state of total absorption without form. In this state the individual self does not exist.
I don't know how long this condition lasted, because it was a state beyond time. However, at some point I regained consciousness. That is, I became aware that I was having this experience. This is the state of Savikalpa Samadhi, the state of absorbtion in the Self in which one is enjoying the experience of Unity. Several years later when I met our Baba, he pointed out this awakening to me without my mentioning anything about it. It was this exchange that brought about an end to my seeking. I’ll save this portion of my story for another time.
So, on that May evening in 1967 everything changed for me. In a single moment of time lightening struck and I was never to be the same again. It was the same me, in the same body, in the same room in the same house. Everything was the same, yet everything was different.
And yet, everything was exactly as it should be. Everything was Perfect! Knowledge spontaneously flooded my mind. I say flooded, because it seemed to spontaneously flow from an endless spring within. And by Knowledge, I don’t mean facts. I'm describing the same experience as that revealed by all knowers of Truth. The mind in this state does not think, but rather acts as a conduit of Divine Recognition and Revelation. In this state one’s mind becomes absolutely still with perfect and profound clarity. Illumination is an appropriate term for this condition.
As I reveled in my good fortune, the impulse came upon me to share this experience with someone. I got into my car and drove up Sunset Boulevard toward Doheny Drive where my friend and former roommate Don Barenfeld had recently moved in with his girlfriend and future wife, Roberta. I remember driving along in a state of Divine intoxication, which was drawing the attention of people in cars along the way. I can still see images of the expressions on their faces as I drove by. Some wonderful and mysterious law of attraction was set loose, and all I could do was marvel at it.
When I got to Don’s apartment I rang the bell. The moment Don answered the door our eyes met and he immediately went into the same state I was experiencing. As if it was yesterday, I can vividly see his face radiating the same pure joy I was experiencing. We were both beaming as we went into the kitchen to sit at the small table flushed up against the wall.
As we explored this newly found treasure, Roberta and their friend Doug came into the kitchen from a back room. Both of them were immediately overcome with confusion and fear as they gazed upon what must have appeared to be two madmen engaged in some otherworldly lunacy that forbade them entry. Needing to further our exploration unhindered, and sensing that the small apartment held too many restrictions, we drove back to my place in Beverly Glen to spend the remainder of the night in communion and deep discussion. Within days, I left everything behind and made my way to the mountains of Central California. My life had now taken a new direction.
When I first decided to commit this experience to writing several years ago, I contacted Don to see if he could recall enough of his side of the story to write something down. In my phone conversation and follow up e-mail to him, I mentioned that in our Ashram everyday we used to sing a song in Sanskrit called “jyota se jyota jagao, satguru jyota se jyota jagao” which translates into, “Oh Satguru, please take the lamp of Knowledge that illumines your mind, and light my lamp which has remained in darkness for so long”.
The following is what Don so graciously added to the mix:
Ron,
It was really great making contact with you again. I've been thinking about it, and can't say too much more. Even with you prompting I doubt that I will recall what else transpired that night. However, I can tell you a smidgen that came back to me subsequent to that time.
I remained in an altered state for a couple of weeks. I explained the nature of the universe to anyone who would or would not listen. I remember standing in front of the Holloway cleaners on Santa Monica Boulevard with that look in my eye. I could see beyond who was in front of me, and into their real essence. However, the experience had me, I didn't have it, and so I was busy walking up to everyone I could corral and informing them that they were God! I don't think I was received so well, especially by my parents at the Friar's Club. I was at U.S.C. at the time and told a very esteemed, older psychology professor about what was happening with me. Wisely, she told me not to tell anyone else. She recognized that I would not be understood, and in fact, might be seen as slightly nuts (which I was a little). I don't know why we didn't go into it more, because like Richard Alpert who went to India to have someone explain the psychedelic experience, I was searching for the answer. I thought I might quit school and try to figure it out. I am glad that I didn't. Ok for some, not for me.
Anyway, I have dipped from time to time into that realm in various ways. I will communicate how some time when we talk, but for now, in terms of what followed directly from our time together, that's about it. I would say that that night did give me a certain, definite, knowing, and move me in a direction that continues today. When I do get back in touch from time to time, it is definitely that place of ‘no-thingness’ and timelessness. As I am fond of saying.... "Jyota se jyota jagao..." (just kidding)
I look forward to seeing you again.
Don
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